At some point in life every functioning adult was a dysfunctional child. Whether you were one that ate glue, pooped in the bathtub, or willingly refused to put your clothes on in a super market, all children suck at some point. I myself got sent to a doctor to see if I was deaf because I would only speak at a volume acceptable at a Mexican soccer game. So where do all of the functional adults in society come from? Your initial response might be that most adults are dysfunctional, but despite our social anxiety disorders and secret fetishes for videogame vixens and having sex in Shining Time Station (obviously with Kimberly the Pink Power Ranger), we all manage to mask our darkest desires to live a life approved by the status quo. However, the correct response (because y’all is wrong) would be that children lack the ability to be self-conscious.

Every idea that comes out of a child’s filter proof mouth is direct from their id, making me feel completely comfortable proclaiming that children are IDIOTS! Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that children are our future and are a fantastic beacon of hope and I do not want to alienate our readers in to thinking I hate children. But, I do know that there is one moment in every child’s life when he/she first realizes that they are a self-absorbed asshole. Mine came in the form of peeing in a sandbox and punching another child that would later become a lifelong friend.

The year was 1994, and I was five. I had recently become a member of the senior class at Cushman Hill Preschool. It was recess one bright sunny day and I decided that I would claim the sandbox with my bladder. I remember relieving myself and feeling proud. But then another toddler decided he would also pee in my sandbox. This would not do. So, I did what any logically thinking human would do and I punched him square in the mouth for using my toilet. From a mature outside eye this might seem like slightly aggressive but still undeniably cute child behavior. From an oddly astute eye this would be the behavior of a rabid dog. Wait a minute? If I was a dog I would have been put down for this behavior by the great state of Massachusetts?  I would have sent woman running and hiding behind trees and men batting me with a stick? Despite the fact that I have unintentionally reached the conclusion that children are dogs, I’m going to end this article here. It is late and I’m tired. Because unlike a child and a dog, I have a job and live in society. If you all would like a longer list, like a top ten, or a pros and cons, or even a parallels list of dogs vs kids leave a comment asking for one. I might even throw in some more embarrassing stories from my child hood which have helped form my personality. The conclusion is that I got scolded for that action and realized I was an asshole. The End. If you enjoyed and want more, demand MOAR!

-CF-